Summary: Yoda. Teaching driving. Surely that makes sense?

Categories: Star Wars > Gen
Characters: Yoda
Genres: Humour
Warnings: None
Chapters: 1 [Table of Contents]
Series: None

Word count: 1402; Completed: Yes
Updated: 23/05/05; Published: 23/05/05

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"Patience! Learn to drive in a day, you will not!"

"Uh... Master Yoda... I'll never learn to drive if you don't let me have the wheel."

Yoda turned his head sharply, throwing an almost un-Jedi-like glare in the young padawan's direction. The boy didn't so much cower as stay very still, which was partly due to the way the car kept swerving back and forth with almost nauseating speed.

"Observe, you must!" Yoda insisted, changing gear with the Force. "In fifth, am I. Fast, must I go. Handbrake turns, I will not attempt. Ill, may it make you."

In all honesty, the padawan felt bad enough already, but he didn't argue. The car jerked suddenly out into the next lane, causing a fair amount of artistic wheelspin on the tarmac below.

"Outside lane, this is! Explain it, you must!"

"Uh... well, it's for cars only," said the padawan, a little perplexed by the sudden question. "Lorries have to stay in the other two. Mostly it gets used for overtaking."

"Right, are you," Yoda replied, taking his eyes off the road to nod at the boy, who curled instantly into his seat as the tyres screeched again. "Faster, I will go. Reach next junction we must."

Another wave of the hand, and they were switching lanes again, drifting briskly in the direction of the slip-road, until they were going up it... and then Yoda pulled over almost at once. "Off the motorway, we are. Take over, you can now. Swap seats we will. Impress me, you must."

But the boy didn't feel better behind the wheel, even as he set off, speeding off into the town, listening to Yoda all the time.

"Indicate earlier, you must! Into side of lorry, you will go! Scratch my car, you must not!"

"Er... sorry, Master Yo-"

"Eyes on road, you must keep! Change gear, you must now! Grating, that noise is, yes!"

"Um... Master Yo-"

"Interrupt, you must not! Teaching, I am! Pass test, you will, or other Masters, I will not beat in tally ratings! Instructor of month, I must be!"

"Weird, you are," the padawan muttered, and Yoda thwapped him at once with his cane, the sudden jolt causing them to swerve out into the path of a rather large bus.

"Idiotic, are you!" Yoda declared. "Kill us, you will!"

And he grabbed hold of the steering wheel with the Force, disconcertingly flinging them back into their own lane as the bus flashed past, horn blaring. "Turn left here, you will," said Yoda, unperturbed. "Parking, we will try. Better you must be!"

All in all, the padawan was just glad to get off the main road, turning into a side-street, between rows of houses. "See that blue car, do you?"

"Yes, Master Yoda."

"Park in front of it, you must."

"All right."

He drove up, running through all the procedures in his head, checking mirror after mirror...

THWAP! "Foolish padawan, you are! This car, I meant not!"

"But... this is the blue car..."

"Blue is this not! Cerulean, it is! That car, meant I!"

"But... this one is blue, too!"

"Cerulean, it is. Move you must. Re-check mirrors, you shall. Sigh, you must not. Teaching, you must accept. CAT, YOU MUST AVOID!"

The small, furry creature darted past just in time, though the boy instinctively thumped the horn before he could stop himself.

"Neighbours, you will disturb!" Yoda exclaimed. "Use horn for small animals, you must not! Drive over to blue car, you will!"

After a moment, the parallel-parking operation was concluded, and the padawan sat back, feeling rather pleased at how well he'd spaced everything.

"Terrible, that was! Wing-mirrors, you misuse! Check them properly, you must! Suck, your parallel parking does!"

And the boy threw him a really rather cold glare. "Anger, I sense. Of the Dark Side this is. Bad drivers are they. Pass tests, they do not. Focus, you should, on the Living Force. Now, pull away, you will, using wingmirrors correctly!"

They curved out onto the road, past the cowering cat, and rolled along to the end of the street. "Right, you will turn. To the roundabout, you will head. A PEDESTRIAN CROSSING, THIS IS!"

The car skidded to a halt as Yoda slammed on the brakes with the Force, flinging both of them forwards. "Red, the lights are! Pedestrians, you will kill! Sith, you are not! More care, you must take, or fail you, I will, on test day!"

Glowering some more, the padawan muttered something about being able to stop quite happily in his own time. In moments, they were heading up to the roundabout... and it was a big roundabout!

"Um... Master Yoda? I haven't done this roundabout before..."

"Remain calm, you must! Traffic is there little. Guide you, the Living Force shall. Feel its power as right, you turn."

Trying to listen to Yoda's words and not the crazed tone behind them, the padawan brought the car up to the roundabout, checking his mirrors as he changed lanes, moving closer and closer, until...

An enormous car-carrier pulled up alongside them, so huge that it blocked out the sunlight, looming dangerously overhead. Its mere presence made the young man flinch.

"Great dancing Jawas!" he exclaimed.

"CALM!" Yoda repeated. "Trust in the Force, you must, yes! Hmmmmmm... the driver of this monstrosity, I sense. At one with the Dark Side, is he."

Both vehicles began to pull out onto the roundabout, the car-carrier swerving alarmingly close. As the padawan tried to focus on steering, Yoda leaned out of the window, waving his cane. "Bad driver, you are!" he yelled. "Menace learner padawans, you should not, or kick your ass, I will!"

Just up ahead, a red-and-black figure leaned out of the car-carrier's front window. "Bite me, Jedi scum!" it yelled, before tearing off at a most unsafe speed.

Yoda turned back to the padawan. "Most unpleasant was he. Avoid the Dark Side you must, or bad driver, you will become!"

"Yes, Master Yoda," the padawan said, automatically.

"Parked car up ahead, I see," Yoda remarked. "Check mirrors and pull out to avoid it, you must."

Mid-way through this operation, however, something went slightly wrong. One minute, the padawan was thinking to himself that he'd got everything better spaced this time, and the next, Yoda was yelling something vaguely incoherent about being able to pull wing-mirrors off the car they were passing. He reached out with the Force to move the steering wheel, at the same time as the padawan attempted to keep control. As a result, the car went spiraling out into the middle of the road, straight towards a police van.

"GET US KILLED, YOU MUST NOT!" Yoda hollered, trying to poke pedals with his cane at the same time as wrestling for the steering wheel.

They missed the van. The van was moving. The wall on the opposite side, however, was not.

As the crumbled bricks stopped sliding, the padawan brushed pieces of windscreen out of his hair, turning slowly to stare at the small, fuming, glass-covered green creature that sat beside him.

"Fail your test, you will, if these actions you repeat," the tiny Jedi said, in a voice that would make all but the most powerful Sith crawl back to their Masters and cower. "Wall have you broken. Police vehicle have you almost damaged. MY CAR, YOU HAVE SCRATCHED! Allow your parallel parking to suck, I can, but unacceptable, scratching my car is!"

"Er... sorry, Master Yoda, I was trying to..."

"TRY NOT! DO, OR DO NOT! THERE IS NO TRY!" Yoda declared. "My insurance, cover this I hope it does, or VERY LARGE BILL, you will receive!"

Outside, a small and somewhat familiar cat hopped up onto the bonnet, scrambled lazily through the broken windscreen, and settled itself on Yoda's head. The Jedi Master fumed in the most dignified way he could.

"Same time next week, I will see you," he said, in the same, level, I-kill-you-now voice. "In the meantime, meditate on how much you suck, you must."

The padawan shook his head, noticing a familiar car carrier come past.

"Sod this," he muttered. "I'm going to join the Sith."


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