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Summary: What if immortals were, in fact, batteries? What if 'Comes A Horseman' had played out somewhat differently? Come, let me tell you the tale of Duncan the Duracell...

Categories: Highlander > Slash
Characters: Duncan McLeod
Genres: Humour
Warnings: Adult Themes
Chapters: 1 [Table of Contents]
Series: None

Word count: 1416; Completed: Yes
Updated: 04/05/05; Published: 04/05/05

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Once upon a time, a very long time ago now... around about the mid-nineties, there was a very special battery named Duncan. The whole world was full of little batteries, all doing battery-esque things, but Duncan was a special kind of battery. He was a Duracell, which meant he kept going and going and going and never stopped, even when all the other batteries had run out of little electrons. Duracell batteries liked to go around stealing electrons from other Duracells, and when they did, the other Duracell would finally stop going and going and going, and the first Duracell would get even more special electron powers.

Duncan the Duracell had a friend called Joe. Joe was not a Duracell, but he was part of a secret society that stalked Duracells to watch what they did, and never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever interfered with the Duracells when they were trying to take electrons from each other. Only sometimes, when it was Duncan, Joe *did* interfere. Funny, that.

Duncan had another friend called Richie. Richie was also a Duracell, but he had only recently discovered this, and he was still learning to be a good Duracell. Because Duncan was a good Duracell and only killed mean Duracells, he used to teach Richie how to fight, and they always used to fight in parallel, because that looked really cool in the flashbacks.

And Duncan had *another* friend called Methos, who was a VERY VERY VERY VERY old Duracell, the oldest Duracell of them all, and Methos didn't like to fight the other Duracells any more because they all wanted to steal his electrons, so instead he liked to hide. He also liked to dream about sharing a battery charger with Duncan, but Duncan, though a good and noble and brown-wearing Duracell, was not very smart, and couldn't work out why Methos kept following him around and stealing his jumpers.

NOW, one day, Duncan and Methos were walking out in the vaguely meaningful industrial estate when they both sensed that another Duracell was nearby, because there were little electrons all not-visible in the air. But because Methos didn't want to lose all his electrons, he decided to imitate a small furry animal and run away. Duncan went to see if he could find the new Duracell, and ended up having an alarming flashback to when his hair was all wrong and no one actually understood what a battery was, even though everybody *was* a battery.

After the flashback, Duncan realised that the new Duracell had gone, so he went looking for him, and ran into ANOTHER Duracell called Cassandra, who was a whiny pain and who had ISSUES. They went home and Cassandra had a very long flashback about a time when no one even knew what iron was, even though they had very unbronze-looking swords.

In the very-long-time-ago past, there were four VERY special Duracells, who liked to ride around and kill all the non-Duracells because it was fun. They also liked to kill the Duracells, but only on special occasions. Since every day was a special occasion, this made matters fairly easy. Only one of the four Duracells got named in the first flashback, because he could actually ride a horse, and he was the Duracell from the vaguely meaningful industrial estate and HIS name was Kronos.

*meaningful ominous music*

SO, Kronos and conveniently-as-yet-unnamed fellow-horsemen killed a lot of people and stole their battery chargers and wires. Basically.


Back in the nineties, Duncan asked Joe to help him look for Kronos, but Joe didn't think Kronos was real, and besides, he NEVER interferes. Unless it's Duncan. Who is special. Then Methos turned up and Cassandra recognised HIM because they used to share a rather anachronistic battery charger, only that wasn't exactly her idea, and there was another flashback with some angst thrown in to make you like Cassandra. Only no one likes Cassandra.

SO, Methos ran away, because everyone wanted to steal his electrons and he wasn't a happy battery. In fact, he was feeling somewhat depleted. BUT THEN, Kronos turned up and Methos got a very nasty electric shock and passed into the land where the little pink battery bunnies bounce. Not for long, though, because he was a SPECIAL battery too.

When Methos woke up, Kronos was stalking around, carrying a somewhat inexplicable roll of wire, and talking about how special Methos was. You see, a very very very long time ago, Methos and Kronos, who was considerably smarter than Duncan, used to share a charger together, and they used to have lots of fun with wires and electricity and possibly the odd screwdriver, only they NEVER built anything, which was somewhat strange.

Kronos was a very jealous Duracell, and he knew that Methos wanted to share a charger with Duncan, only Duncan hadn't quite worked this out yet. So he decided to make Methos take all Duncan's electrons so that he, Kronos, could have Methos all to himself.

But instead, Methos and Duncan had a VERY BAD BREAKUP conversation, because actually, Methos had rather liked being an evil stealer-of-wires-and-electrons. So they both took off their battery-coats and stalked in opposite directions, feeling quite negative and not positive at all.

MEANWHILE, Kronos had been fighting Cassandra, and trying to steal her electrons, because she was a whiny pain who made things all awkward and upset everyone's voltages. Then Duncan turned up and started to fight Kronos, whilst Methos threw Cassandra off a bridge and set fire to The Warehouse, because fire is oh-so-useful against batteries. But no one melted.

Then, Methos and Kronos went to The Ukraine (which is not Funky Town, oh no, not at all) to find another very old Duracell called Silas, who was the normal one, and then to The Romania, to find Caspian, who used to eat other people. Er, batteries. Yes.

And there were monkeys involved. Though not in a weird way, because this story is about special electric circuits and also how some batteries like to plug into each other. Bet you can't guess who.

NOW, Kronos had a plan to get rid of lots of the boring, own-brand, non-Duracells, because they couldn't keep going and going and going and going and weren't half as useful for making your CD player work, although having Kronos in your CD player might not be wise. In fact, you should go check he's not in there right now. Go on. I'll wait.






















Back again? Good. Take it he wasn't in there? Good. Press on. *headdesk*

Unfortunately, Methos wasn't staying in the circuit, and kept running off to see if Duncan wanted to play with wires... I mean, warn Duncan of Kronos' shocking plans. Shocking, get it? Is another joke. *ahem*

Also, at some point, Cassandra got captured and locked up without a charger or any wires, and there was a fight in which Caspian got permanently-deactivated and Duncan stole all his electrons and went sparky-sparky. Though he had no one to charge with afterwards, 'cause of being a bit thick.

EVENTUALLY, everyone who was still alive ended up in The Warehouse, which might have been an Abandoned Submarine Base in Bordeaux, France, only electricity and water don't mix, so for safety reasons, it was just The Warehouse. What if someone got hurt, eh?

Then there was A VERY LARGE FIGHT. In the end, Cassandra had the top of her battery-head cut off, and Methos stole all her little electrons. Duncan and Kronos had a nice, meaningful, slow-motion duel, which is not at all like slow-motion dancing, oh no. Not a bit. And then they decided that, actually, Duncan only needed a few circuit diagrams to help solve his charge-wanting-understanding-problem. So Kronos and Methos and Duncan - and Silas, who was kinda cute and liked monkeys - all joined up to make a special pack of batteries, and they turned the world into a giant CD player which played Queen all day. Various plugging in and chargers got involved as well, and they all lived happily ever after, except for Cassandra, who had no electrons, and Caspian, who freaked everyone out anyway.

THE END.


 


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